


I Won't Rot (Not This Mind and Not This Heart)

by vvadevvilson (creativitykilledher)



Series: After the Storm [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, Internalized Transphobia, agender!dan, high school!au, minor Transphobia, nonbinary!dan, trans!dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2015-07-21
Packaged: 2018-04-10 10:51:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4388969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creativitykilledher/pseuds/vvadevvilson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Hello Facebook friends, as I am sure you have noticed, I have decided to change my name to Dan, and this is why. I am agender, which means I do not identify as girl or boy, I don't identify as any particular gender. In light of this I have felt that my birth name didn't fit my identity and I needed a change. After a lot of deliberation I found that 'Dan' suited me better, correctly defined my sense of self, and made me feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin. As well as changing my name to Dan I would like to note that my pronouns are they/them (ex they went to the store, this shirt belongs to them, this is their work of art), and not she/her. I hope you will respect me, my gender, and use my preferred name/pronouns. If you have any questions, because I know this is a complicated subject, feel free to message me. But if you're going to be rude or transphobic, I suggest the old saying "if you don't have something nice to say don't say anything at all." Special thanks to Phil for being my main system of support over the years and convincing me to finally be true to myself, and of course my parents who continue to unconditionally support and love me. I wouldn't be where I am today without you guys.”<br/>Agender!Dan</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Won't Rot (Not This Mind and Not This Heart)

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this piece is kinda a hot mess but basically this is my own experience being agender reflected onto my fave. That coming out fb post in the summary is actually my own coming out status with names switched around so this is very personal for me but again very messy im sorry  
> tittle is from After the Storm by Mumford and Sons, a song thats very close to my heart

Dan first contemplated their gender probably around the age of 8, when the boys in their class said they couldn’t play with them because they were a girl. Hearing that made Dan pause, because they didn’t feel like a girl, they had just felt like Dan.  
It was something that had plagued the thoughts of the 8 year old for months, the feeling of not being anything but Dan, but was soon forgotten when summer arrived and they got swept up in playing in their neighbour’s cool treehouse and trying to catch fireflies at night.  
Next time Dan had really thought about their gender was in 11th year, at the confusing age of 14. This was around the time they actually had any knowledge on gender identity, but was limited to the outdated binary terms FTM, and MTF. The feeling of not being a girl, seeing themselves as a separate category from woman, stuck with them, and now they had begun to wonder if this meant they were ‘FTM.’ Dan couldn’t help but think if they didn’t feel like a girl then they must be a boy, because what else was there? But that didn’t feel right either, Dan felt alienated from both genders, and it only confused them more. What on earth was Dan if they had felt like neither?  
When Dan had finally learnt the term non-binary Dan had no idea what to do with that information. At this point in time Dan was in 12th year, and had joined their high school GSA. Dan knew at this time that they were not at all straight.  
Realizing their sexuality was tough but in hindsight nowhere near as tough as realizing their gender. They had been questioning their attraction since the 10th year, and finally decided on the label “lesbian” in late 11th year, thinking that they were a girl who liked girls, and that was their only option.  
They had officially decided and came out when they when they went on a date with a boy, and realized they had no attraction to the boy, but had attraction to the main actress in the movie they were watching.  
They would find out in about a year that yes they liked girls, but the reason they weren’t attracted to their date was because he was horrible and annoying, not because they were a lesbian.  
Coming out as a lesbian to their parents was an interesting experience for Dan, as it wasn’t actually on purpose. Their parents knew Dan was in the GSA, but assumed they were the S part of the acronym. Then one day Dan was talking about a bake sale the club was doing when their mom asked who else in the club besides them was straight.  
Without thinking Dan blurted “I’m not straight” which had led to an awkward silence between the two.  
Their mom had taken it well, saying she still loved Dan, and to tell her if anyone was bullying them so she could kick their ass. Dan never really had to come out to their dad, he had always just knew, rolling with it.  
Dan was actually happy about everything, they were in a club with close friends that they could relate too, they didn’t have to hide their sexuality from their parents. Dan was no longer hiding. It was a comfort, Dan feeling less isolated, like they finally had a sense of place.  
Then came in Phil. He was one of the few guys in GSA, in 13th year, pansexual, and funny. Phil confused Dan as much as their gender did. Dan felt something towards Phil, he made them laugh, and smile, blush, and they could talk forever about everything.  
The two became close best friends quick after meeting. But Dan was a lesbian, they thought, their sexuality becoming a piece of armor as well as a safety blanket. They belonged, they were no longer the only outsiders in a heterosexual world. Dan had tightly clutched to the lesbian label, afraid if they lost it they would lose the only people they could connect too.  
They were terrified to be attracted to Phil, as they feared it meant their attraction to girls would be nullified. Dan had been so confused on their identity they didn’t want the one piece of identity they had yanked from under their feet.  
But as they approached half-way through year 12, Dan couldn’t deny their attraction to Phil, and reluctantly let go of their iron grasp on their safety blanket, and picked up the term bisexual.  
This was around the time they learned around the term non-binary, via the vast Trans community on Tumblr.  
They had stumbled upon it by accident, but once they found it they dug deeper, looking into Google, fascinated with the idea of something beyond strictly boy and girl. Dan knew the term but kept it in their back pocket, already overwhelmed with newly identifying with bisexual, and didn’t want more stress in their already confusing life.  
Dan had attempted to ask out one of the girls in their GSA, Rachel, but had been rejected after a few days of awkward flirting. Dan immediately went to Phil for comfort, him being their best friend. Phil was comforting and promising that there was someone for Dan. Phil was the only one who knew Dan was bisexual, but nervous to date a boy.  
It wasn’t until summer before year 13 Dan and Phil actually started to date. The looming fear of Phil going into university kicked Dan into action, and finally asked Phil out. He might not be going far, but Dan didn’t want to lose him to the new and interesting people of university before they even had a chance to have him.  
They had watched Disney movies for their first date, and when Phil asked Dan to be his girlfriend, Dan couldn’t help but feel this twist in their gut behind all the excitement.  
The summer had been amazing. Dan had spent all their time with Phil, watching movies, going to parks, and talking until 7 am, Dan’s sleep schedule losing all sense of time.  
Summer love was going strong, and Dan had never been happier, but even with this joy, they had felt a punch in their stomach every time Phil called them his girlfriend. It still didn’t feel right.  
They wanted to scream when someone called them a girl because that wasn’t true. They wanted to cry and yell “that isn’t me! I don’t know who you’re talking about because that’s not me!”  
They finally took non-binary out of their back pocket.  
Dan had finally began to face their gender just as 13th year was starting. They finally had a term for why they didn’t feel like they belonged with boy or girl. Non-binary. Dan knew that there was more to it, many sublabels under the non-binary umbrella. But it was hard enough to accept non-binary, so this is as far as they were ready to go.  
Dan didn’t dare speak of this to anyone else, especially not Phil, fearing the rejection and hatred they were sure would follow. Instead they had dipped their toe into the Trans community by following some Trans’ blogs, and reading more about it, scared to commit to the label. Scared of making a choice they couldn’t reverse, scared of this little thing effecting their entire future.  
So Dan bottled it. And bottled it, and bottled it. Soon he had bottled so much distress, gender expression, and dysphoria that they no longer knew what their identity was. They could no longer distinguish between their femininity and attraction to girls. Did they like wearing dresses and make up or was just reflecting what they found attractive on girls onto their own feminine body? Lines were blurring and Dan had never felt so lost.  
Dan finally had told Phil about this, no longer being able to hold themselves together, and needing Phil’s experience in cheering them up.  
The idea was so overwhelming to Dan that they didn’t know how to approach it.  
“You are the cutest girl” Phil had declared as the two were reclined on the couch in Phil’s apartment. The place was small but it was perfect to them both. They took opposite side of the couch, backs propped against the arm rests, their legs entangled together, bumping occasionally, as well a few foot wars. They both had been on their phones, managing to keep up a relaxed conversation while playing apps.  
Dan looked up at Phil, blinking slowly as their trembling lips formed the word; “but I don’t think I’m a girl?”  
There, finally, Dan admitted out loud, for the first time ever, a secret they’ve had been weighed down by for so long their bones felt broken.  
Phil paused, glancing up from his phone, letting himself lose the level to process Dan’s words, “… okay then” Phil nodded after a moment of thought. “You are the cutest person ever.” He looked back to his phone and restarted the level, but shot Dan a quick smile, and knocked his knees against theirs, reassuring Dan that he was there for them, without overwhelming Dan.  
That’s all Phil said about it.  
And honestly Dan was relieved. They didn’t want to discuss it, they just wanted someone else to know.  
Not that things worked out after this. It wasn’t like Phil wasn’t trying to understand Dan’s non-binary existence (which eventually Dan admitted to a few weeks later, giving Phil a label). It was more Dan was trying to deny it, calling themself a girl, invalidating their identity, and just flat out ignoring the gender confused elephant in the room. It was borderline childish at points, but Phil remained patient and tried his best to reassure Dan that it was okay to not be a girl.  
It wasn’t until around February that Dan stopped having only a toe in the Trans community, and finally dived in. They stopped denying that they were anything but Cis, they stopped denying themselves to right to be themselves.  
They weren’t out to anyone besides Phil and friends on Tumblr, but at least they could admit to themselves that they were non-binary, then finally agender. It took a while for Dan to figure out exactly what kind of non-binary they were. They had done lots of research, reached out to non-binary support blogs, and finally they had pinned down exactly what they were feeling.  
Dan had no gender, Dan was genderless, and Dan finally knew what they were. Dan found that ‘they/them’ pronouns suited them best. Dan also found out they hated being called a girl. At first it didn’t bother Dan as much, especially when they weren’t out yet.  
But when they came out being called a girl made Dan’s skin crawl.  
It was in their first year of university.  
The date was March 31st when Dan decided to officially come out.  
March 31st is Trans Day of Visibility, and Phil convinced Dan it was the perfect day to come out.  
They decided the best way to do it was to first call their mom in tears. After a long conversation, with their mom mostly understanding but still sad at the idea of ‘losing her daughter.’ That didn’t sit well with Dan, but they still tried to be understanding of how hard this was for their parents. They also requested that they started going by Dan now.  
“It’s who I am mom.”  
“I’m sorry I don’t want to disappoint you.”  
“If I could change who I am I could.”  
Their mom assured them that she wasn’t disappointed, and that Dan should never change who they are.  
“I love you… Dan.”  
Hearing that made Dan cry, leaned back against the wall, legs folded under them, blanket pulled around their thighs.  
“I love you too mom.”  
Then came the Facebook status.  
“Hello Facebook friends, as I am sure you have noticed, I have decided to change my name to Dan, and this is why. I am agender, which means I do not identify as girl or boy, I don't identify as any particular gender. In light of this I have felt that my birth name didn't fit my identity and I needed a change. After a lot of deliberation I found that 'Dan' suited me better, correctly defined my sense of self, and made me feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin. As well as changing my name to Dan I would like to note that my pronouns are they/them (ex they went to the store, this shirt belongs to them, this is their work of art), and not she/her. I hope you will respect me, my gender, and use my preferred name/pronouns. If you have any questions, because I know this is a complicated subject, feel free to message me. But if you're going to be rude or transphobic, I suggest the old saying "if you don't have something nice to say don't say anything at all." Special thanks to Phil for being my main system of support over the years and convincing me to finally be true to myself, and of course my parents who continue to unconditionally support and love me. I wouldn't be where I am today without you guys.”  
Dan had gotten mostly support and congrats from their friends, there was a few they had to unfriend, but Dan was still content with life.  
Fast forward the summer of next year.  
Dan had spent all of their summer in their apartment they shared with Phil. Once Dan got into university they moved in with Phil, feeling it made perfect sense.  
“So” they started one day from where they sat on the couch, curled up next to Phil, “I’ve been thinking…”  
“That sharks would be good pets? I agree” Phil chuckled, sticking his tongue out the corner of his mouth, grinning.  
“No, shut up doof, lemme speak” Dan smacked Phil’s arm in protest.  
“Owchie, you wound me” Phil whined dramatically, Dan rolling their eyes in amusement.  
“As I was saying” Dan continued, the nerves creeping up on them, sending a chill down their spine. “I was thinking…. Of starting HRT” Dan looked up to the ceiling to avoid eye contact with Phil.  
“Yeah?” Phil glanced to Dan, grabbing their hand in reassurance, “I think that would be great.”  
Dan gave a weak smile, dropping their head onto Phil’s shoulders, “I want to be more masculine, I want to shave, and have a deep voice, and be able to wear trunks to the beach, after I get top surgery, I want broad shoulders. I don’t want to be mistaken as a girl anymore.” Their voice was shaking a bit, “I’m not a boy, I’m not a girl, I have no gender, but I rather be called a boy then girl.” Dan was nervous to admit this. They couldn’t quite explain why they felt like this, but it was getting harder to look at themselves without feeling dysphoric.  
Phil hummed in thought, “and that’s perfectly fine, you deserve to be comfortable in your body” he wrapped his arms around Dan’s shoulders and pulled them into a side hug.  
And so Dan began HRT.  
It wasn’t as easy as Dan expected it to be, not that Dan expected it to be very easy. After talking to the doctor plenty of tests, exams, and exams followed, making sure Dan was healthy enough, what the dose should be, how often it should be administered, and many other technicalities.  
Dan started to notice the changes about 2 weeks in, they started to get thicker hair on their stomach, legs, everywhere. A couple weeks later Dan’s hips lost their curve, and a bit after that their torso started to vaguely resemble the Dorito shape they so desired. Their facial hair came in in patches, but still very fine, their voice dropped suddenly, and Dan couldn’t help but feel like they sounded like Morgan Freeman now.  
The journey was difficult. Getting Dan’s mom on board was the hardest, as she clung to the idea of her daughter. Dan had struggled greatly with the weight of the guilt that came with their mom’s struggle. It was difficult to understand that they had more of an obligation to themselves to be comfortable in their body then they had an obligation to placate their mom.  
Phil had helped a lot with that. Phil had been there through the entire process, refusing to leave Dan’s side. He also helped Dan get through the stage of HRT that resembled the teenage boy puberty. And when the time came, Phil held Dan’s hand through the top surgery. He made sure Dan didn’t eat 12 hours before, he stayed at the hospital, waiting nervously with his knee bouncing, during the surgery. He made sure Dan got home safe, took their meds, changed their bandages, and didn’t pull a stitch, anything that Phil could possibly do.  
“I can’t believe I’m here” Dan whispered, looking at their reflection. They had on only a pair of boxers, and for once their reflection didn’t make them feel sick. Their surgery scars were well healed, well visible but Dan didn’t mind. They no longer had delicate shoulders or hips, they no longer had soft curves.  
Phil grinned from his spot behind Dan, wrapping his arms around Dan’s stomach.  
“I knew you could do it” Phil beamed, dropping a soft kiss to Dan’s shoulder, leaving a sweet line of them along the width of the now broadened shoulder.  
“Yes, you are the all-knowing Phil” Dan teased, leaning back into the embrace, feeling content.  
“Yer a wizard Phil” Phil drawled in his best Hagrid accent, causing Dan to burst into hysterics.  
“Oh my god, you fucking loser” Dan was shaking with laughter in Phil’s arms, “it’s a wonder I love you.”  
“Hey this is why you love me” Phil pouted, resting his chin on Dan’s shoulder.  
Dan gave a shrug as if to relent, “true.” They turned in Phil’s arms, hands finding his hips, “I do love you.”  
“Love you too Dan.”


End file.
